At different points in my life, I have felt tattered, uncomfortable, broken, lost, forgotten, lonely, and unworthy.
At one point I felt these all at once with an additional amount of trauma and grief added to this already overfull emotional rollercoaster. This abundance of heavily weighted chains that I dragged around with me through life. I didn't think I would survive this, the emotional self-torcher of everything that felt so heavy that I couldn't breathe, think, or make any type of movement towards getting better.
What was better? I used to think. What was "Normal". I would say "normal is only a setting on the dryer, nothing more". That this quote, unquote "normal" that I felt people were expecting of me was just unattainable. Unimaginable to me.
I got exceptionally wonderful at putting on a facade. Pretending to be this person I thought those around me wanted. There was the me at work who pretended I had a beautiful life with beautiful options, the me with friends that never had any worries or problems, the me with family who was quiet and un-asking... Pretending I was okay, if I say outload to other people, I am okay enough times then it'll believe it.... Well shit. That was just not true.
What mattered the most was at the end of the day, really at night. When the busy-ness of everything had ended, when it was just me, when I laid down in bed to try and sleep, was I okay. And the answer for a long long long time was NO, I wasn't.
I was on the verge of tears almost always, on the verge of rageful outbursts (usually in the car "road-rage"), on the verge of giving up any and everything I ever wanted to achieve in life, and at more than one point on the verge of ending my life.
I know in this short post I can't go into all the details of what happened and why and what would bring me to such a dark place. But I got there many times because at the end of the day when it was just me with me I didn't like who I was, I didn't think I was even deserving of another breath of air, much less deserving of love, kindness, joy, peace, loyalty, respect, trust.
There was this one particular day that changed things for me, I remember it vividly. It was as if I had received just a glimpse of clarity, a moment of truth, an urge to want to be, see, do, try better. And in that moment, I decided that I wanted to live not die.
After a long road of challenges including phone calls, healthcare visits, counseling, lovingkindness, meditation, reading about dharma and life, defining who I am, defining my worth, I was able to look myself in the mirror and say I am worthy.
I am worthy of life, love, lovingkindness, joy, peace, hope, trust, loyalty, truth, connection and much more.
This mix of tragedy and lovingkindness spills out into my art. Art is a form of mediation for me, also a type of therapy. It has helped me since I was a child to create something that I think is intriguing or beautiful from nothing, just a thought, or idea that I alone had. I always thought that was one of the really wonderful things about Art. And being able to share that art with others is something I never thought I could do. But on this part of my journey, I am doing things so differently than I have ever done before.
Once upon a time I had a moment of clarity that saved my life...
If you have ever felt this way, I truly hope that maybe my words can help your heart and provide a sliver of hope that even in the darkest places where no light shines in, there is still hope! It is in the depths of our souls and we are all worthy of life no matter how bad things are, or how terrible we feel.
And with that I hope that you enjoy the things I share here. I anticipate there being a big variety. This is my first post it is 5:30 a.m. and as I am watching the Moon Set and the Sun Rise I was just thinking of how grateful I am to be walking this journey of lovingkindness, and figured I'd start sharing. I hope these words find you well, at peace, and in Metta. Sending lovingkindness your way, Namaste and One Love.
AKay🌸
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