Statistics:
Substance use and abuse continues to be a global concern. Based on a news release from the World Health Organization (WHO); "Over 3 million annual deaths due to alcohol and drug use and that an estimated 400 million people lived with alcohol use disorders. Of this, 209 million people lived with alcohol dependence globally" based on their report. They stated quote "substance use severely harms individual health, increasing the risk of chronic diseases, mental health conditions, and tragically resulting in millions of preventable deaths every year. It places a heavy burden on families and communities, increasing exposure to accidents, injuries, and violence," said Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, WHO Director-General "To build a healthier more equitable society, we must urgently commit to bold actions that reduce the negative health and social consequences of alcohol consumption and make treatment for substance use disorders accessible and affordable.""
However there is hope, another study states "Recovery Research Institute revealed that roughly 22.3 million Americans (more than 9% of adults) are in recovery from some form of substance use disorder (SUD)"
This is a topic that I am passionate about and have been for 18+ years, as I am a survivor of substance use and abuse, considered to be in remission from Severe Substance Use Disorder and Opiate Dependency, in long term Recovery, and tragically lost my beautiful husband because of the disease of addiction and inadequate care and unaffordable access to treatment.
In 2018 I participated in a round table discussion with the Lt. Governor of Illinois, this experience showed me that there are so many compassionate members of our communities from all walks of life and that truly want things to change want differences to be made. However many just don't know where to start, and unfortunately even 6 years later the same issues are being discussed, better access to treatment options, affordable options, more adequate care from hospitals and doctors. Luckily it is still a talk that is ongoing.
My Journey in Recovery Celebrating 4 Years on July 31st, 2024:
I used to use the phrase I don't have to like you but I will love you. There are times when I may not agree with someone else or "like them" per se but I love them... What does that mean? For me it means every living being deserves and is worthy of love (lovingkindness), from me, and honestly from everyone. So I may not like them, but I will love them.
What does that have to do with recovery? Well... after looking really honestly at my journey in Recovery I realized I recently have been using this as an affirmation for myself. I may not like xyz about myself at the moment but I Love Myself. I may not like the health issues I have going on, or the weight I've gained, or that my teeth have moved because of some weird calcium deficiency and swelling, but these are all superficial things. I may not like all my circumstances or my living situation; but I love my mind, my heart, my soul, my compassion. I have been in places physically, environmentally, emotionally, and spiritually much worse, I know things can and will change, with effort, but no matter what changes on the outside, what really matters is what we carry with us on the inside. I can love myself through this. So even though I may not like some of the superficial I Love Myself.
I say all that to say it takes work but if you can take yourself out of the outside things and focus inward on your heart you can work towards a place of self-love, self-care, healing, and growth! This has been a recurrent theme in my Recovery.
We have a choice if our insides reflect our outsides... Meaning our mind, heart, and soul are ours to choose how we feel. Outside negative influences, environments, circumstances that are out of our control, we do not have to allow our insides to match the negative outsides. We can be the light in the dark. We can choose love over hate, we can choose peace over chaos, we can choose to be mindful over negativity.
It is not easy, and I say this from experience. 4 years ago, I could honestly say I hated myself I hated how I felt, hated how I looked, hated how far away I had gotten from who I truly was in my heart.
4 years ago I was suffering from Severe Substance Use Disorder and Opioid Dependency. I had been suffering from this for 13+ years on and off, mostly on.
4 years ago I sat in self-torcher over grief, over loss, over what I thought were unforgivable mistakes I had made, unthinkable terrors I had experienced, unbelievable environments and circumstances I had been through. I relived these things every waking moment of every day because not only did I not love myself but I didn't feel worthy of life on most days. But 4 years ago there was a moment of clarity, a glimpse of a glimmer of a sliver of hope that maybe I didn't have to feel this way.
4 years ago I wasn't in the worst environment I had ever been in, I wasn't starving, I wasn't homeless, I hadn't lost every material thing again, I wasn't sitting in a jail cell or prison, I had a career, I had a nice place to live that I paid for, I had a vehicle, I had all the things I told myself I needed to have for me to be happy, for me to love myself, for me to stop relapsing.
There were times before this I was in much dire circumstances, evicted while in a coma for example, homeless on the south side of Chicago, starving to the point of emaciation, experiencing physical, mental, sexual, and economical abuse. Sitting in jails and prison. Suffering a terror so extreme that I had instantaneous pigmentation loss to my hair. Experiencing and suffering a loss so horrific I thought I would die and wanted to.
If this, Then That:
So, I thought if I could just get out of here, if I could just hold a good job, if I had my own place, If I could stop being so sad, if I could just catch a break, if I could heal, if I could move away, if I could help others, if... if... if.. the list of if's can go on for days. If this or that, then I will get and stay clean, I will stop using and stay stopped, and when I stop using and stay stopped I will love myself.
But, you see, it wasn't the outside things that helped heal the inside sufferings, terror, pain.
It, for me, was finally making the choice that I wanted to live. It was intentionally getting away from the pain I was inflicting on myself (the dope), getting my disease of addiction treated professionally, seeking inpatient treatment, talking with a counselor, having a doctor show me compassion, showing myself compassion. Being told I was in survival mode for all these years, that my core is not rotten, in survival I adjusted what I would accept to match how I needed to survive without being conscious of that adjustment. That my definition of myself did not have to be based off of things that happened while I was in survival mode.
Shifting my Mindset:
Those insights allowed a shift to happen with my mindset. That if I could look at my values, my beliefs, myself at the core. What are the things I believe in for myself, and if I had gotten away from those values how can I get back to them. That I didn't deserve to torcher myself, inflict emotional pain onto myself, sit as a shell of who I really am at my innermost level. Realize that I did in fact deserve to live.
This mindset shift allowed me to begin again, to work on centering myself and the thoughts of myself on my heart and soul. I have always been an emotionally sensitive person with empathy and compassion, enjoyed helping others, enjoyed nature, flowers, the sunset and moon rise, I believe in honesty and loyalty, I value my understanding, empathy, compassion, kindness, peacefulness, non-judgmental mentalities, fairness. This is where I could build from.
Defining my Self-Worth:
I had to define my self-worth because I had none, and I would get frustrated when I heard the phrase "your worth it"... What am I worth exactly? I had attended a group counseling meeting and I kept hearing this being said over and over and I left that group thinking but no one said what "you are worth". So I wrote out my definition. I am worthy of... life, kindness, peace, loyalty, truth, honesty, oneness, love, beauty, fulfillment, joy, laughter, and so much more. Now I'm getting somewhere. Now I can stand on this definition of my self-worth. It is not tied up in outside things it is intertwined with meaning. Now I have a place to set boundaries from, a place to start building the love for myself.
I started meditating every day, I poured affirmations onto myself. I'd be standing at the coffee maker in the mornings and make my coffee mindfully with intent. Take a moment to enjoy the process, be grateful for this experience, grateful for the taste of coffee again. When this process started 4 years ago, I would use phrases my husband (may he rest in paradise) and son had said to me over the years. One phrase that I still use often is "if you saw yourself the way I see you, you wouldn't xyz" both my husband and son had said this to me numerous times throughout my active use. When I am extremely stressed or really not liking the outside things this phrase helps bring me back to the moment. For example, I'll say "If I could see myself the way the two people who unconditionally loved me no matter what see me, I wouldn't talk negatively to myself".
Give Yourself a Break:
Also, in the beginning of this 4 year journey if I was feeling especially sad or craving I would give myself permission not to make a decision for 5 minuets. A craving can turn into thoughts which can cause a reaction if we feed the thought. A craving lasts 5 seconds, however if we ruminate on the craving it will turn into thoughts which turn into emotions which turn into actions. If you practice thought stopping, you can start changing the behavior. Give yourself a break, offer yourself some grace, and be kind to yourself! Ask the question what is it that I am really feeling?
At this point, I am still in very early recovery on this journey and something I kept coming back to was the concept I had studied before which was there is a way to end suffering. Before this I had not associated the disease of addiction for myself to be considered suffering. But the more I studied, researched, and learned about addiction, the brain and addiction, about cravings, treatments, psychology, Zen philosophy, the brain body, and so much more. I resonated with the concept that the phenomenon of craving is suffering. Craving to change whatever it is I am feeling in this moment by the use of something, to change how I feel, to change my environment, to change myself, to feel something different by the use of something outside of myself.
This understanding for me was life changing. That I suffer from the phenomenon of craving/suffering but there is a way to end suffering. And the way to end suffering, for me, is by honesty, acceptance, nonjudgement, mindful intent, and helping others. Helping to end craving and end the wishing to change how I am feeling from something outside of myself, no longer seeking gratification or validation, no longer wishing to change the things I have no control over. Accepting myself for who I am and being grateful to be alive.
These things are not easy tasks. Accepting my feelings is extremely difficult because I carry terror, fear, trauma, sadness, negativity, horror, pain, and more. However, it is possible. Change and acceptance are possible, we don't forget what happened however learn to process what we went through and dig down to the root causes of our feelings. Learning how to accept the feeling for what it is, if there is something we can change, do so, if it is something you cannot change or you had/have no control over, give yourself some grace, these burdens are not all yours to carry, and it is okay to forgive yourself!
My 4 Year Roller Coaster: An honest look at the last 4 years...
After entering into detox on July 31st, 2020, I went through the most unforgettable and difficult detox I had ever experienced in 13 years. I was in a hospital detox for 3 day's, yet seemed like there was no relief! Even after detox for the first 11 days in treatment I continued detoxing in tremendous pain. I think back to those days often, and think it needed to be that way, I needed to remember this last time, the pain. That pain I keep even 4 years later as a reminder to never go back.
Over the last 4 years I have gone through what seems like a roller coaster of different stages with this recovery journey. The first year was extremely difficult yet rewarding. After detox and inpatient rehab, being able to wake up every day without suffering sickness from withdrawal and being grateful again to be alive, felt empowering! I gave up some stressors but gained others, I experienced tremendous loss but also tremendous joy, I was back with my son every day, I was building my self-worth, starting to really find my rhythm. I meditated every day, researched and studied as much as I could, sought counseling and was recommended to group treatment. I had a doctor who showed me compassion and understanding which made all the difference. I would take things as they came, provide myself kindness and grace, journaled a lot, worked a lot on the trauma I carry, healed some big cracks in my heart just by being kind and patient with myself.
The second year was harder in some ways but easier in others. I made some decisions that I wasn't ready to make, one of which was having a relationship, which I wasn't ready to do, and I ended up pregnant and placed on bed rest for 6 out of 10 months. I went through a period of regret and sadness over my decisions. The grief and trauma I carry started chipping away at my well-being. Yet I still was with my son everyday, had a life growing in my belly, had support from people who believed in me, an still was standing on the self-worth and self-love I had built!
The third year was joyous and sad. I gave birth to my beautiful little one who has provided more love to all of us than I could have ever imagined, I finally took the chance on bringing my dreams to reality by starting my business, AKay One Love Design. However some things with my body changed that I wasn't expecting, my hormones were/are out of wack and I now have this beautiful little one to take care of, which is beautiful and stressful at the same time. I found my self-care going by the wayside and not being as intentional as I was with my words and actions, and I experienced some extreme health trauma and issues.
This fourth year has been really rough, but I still am able to find moments that are tremendously joyous. But by no means has it been easy! The health trauma I have suffered has really gotten to me and I had allowed my insides to reflect the negative outsides. I stepped off my foundation of self-care and self-love for many months to the point of severe depression, rage, and living reactively. However I am still with my son's everyday, my little one is growing, and my adult son is blossoming into a truly amazing man. This 4th year I kept my business going and am trying really hard to get it off the ground, and went back to college! What I can say is that this 4th year has taught me how important being mindful in Recovery is. How important honest self-awareness, self-care, support, and mindful intent are in Recovery. And that even though things may feel yucky on the inside, it does not mean that I have to use/relapse. I have finally gotten far enough away from the everyday hold that dope had on me for 13+ years, and set up other more useful tools for myself, so that, for me, using is not an option.
What Now? How can I find my Center Again?
Over the last few months I have looked at things with complete honesty, and within realizing some hard truths about myself and my life, I am getting back to that original foundation I built in year 1. I continue to have health issues that I am coming to terms with, I am re-building my foundation, and I am practicing all the things I listed above, and all the things I talk to my clients about. I continue to study Zen Philosophy, Positive Psychology, and Dream Interpretation, and am incorporating these into my daily life again. I utilize ACT therapy, EFT, Anam, meditation, MBCT, lovingkindness, and centralize myself on calming and focusing on the present moment.
The stress I've carried for almost 3 years now is showing, overwhelm turned into rage, tears turned into yelling, and sadness turned into eating unhealthy. No self-care, not allowing myself to feel personal fulfillment, still working on my business but setting expectations of myself that are to high for me to reach. Suffering from things that I can do something about like dehydration, sleep depravation, eating unwell, isolation. These are all other forms of self torcher. Unintentional yet very much real. But the good news is I can do something about it!
I have shown myself how important mindful intention is, how easy it is to start letting the outside negatives overwhelm the positives in my heart, and how quickly my mindset can shift and change if I am not actively practicing being kind to myself, honesty, acceptance, non-judgment, and helping others. I am on the mend of my own heart again, but this is I believe a good thing. It is an opportunity for personal growth and a show of resilience.
The Fairytale:
I wanted to be able to write this saying year 1 was challenging but I grew, year 2 was even better I built a foundation I can stand on, year 3 I still meditate every day and my business is booming, and year 4 is amazing and I am on top of the world. But the truth is, just because I am substance free, and I hold hope, understanding, empathy, and compassion, life is still going to life, things that are upsetting, hurtful, and even traumatizing still happen. I have learned that even without the dope I will experience negativity, unhealthy environments, health issues, stress, frustrations, anger . But I don't have to use over it, because as things ebb they will flow again. I will also experience grand moments of joy, kindness, and love. It is up to me to either continue to grow and learn from these last 4 years focusing on mindfulness, self-care, standing on the love I have at my core, or to allow my insides to reflect the negative outsides, and stay stuck or worse relapse.
Making Choices Today:
As long as I have this gift of breath I choose to make choices. I choose to hold onto hope for myself and break free from what is holding me back. I have the tools, I know the way, I just have to continue to give myself the compassion and kindness I deserve, and find support. Just because I veered does not mean that I can't find my center again.
I believe being aware of what we go through and how we change and grow is important. By looking back over the last 4 years I have realized a lot about myself without drugs. I learned who I really was which I had struggled to find for many many years, and I know that by practicing mindfulness, acceptance, non-judgement, compassion, kindness, loving-kindness, self-care, that I will grow and find my center again. And you can too!
I started this out by talking about the phrase I don't like you but I love you. And I will love myself until I like myself again. And it is my hope that from me sharing this that anyone who has ever suffered from addiction that, even though life may not look like a fairytale, you are alive, you have choices, you no longer have to suffer from using, and there are ways to make things better to heal our hearts, minds, and souls. For those who are suffering from substance use and abuse, THERE IS A WAY TO END SUFFERING, I hope that my honesty helps you see there is a way out, no matter how bad it feels or how worthless you may feel, there is hope, I am holding onto hope for you; if no one has told you in a while you are loved and needed, and you are worthy of life without substances, with kindness, love, and so much more. And for anyone who is trying to find their self-worth and self-love there is a way. And for anyone who is struggling and feels stuck in life's negativity and living reactively there is a way to find inner peace.
And for anyone who doesn't like themselves too much at this moment, I challenge you to love yourself until you like yourself.
One Love
Artist AKay
Citations:
Who Media Team (2024, June 25).
Over 3 million annual deaths due to alcohol and drug use, majority among men. World Health Organization. https://www.who.int/news/item/25-06-2024-over-3-million-annual-deaths-due-to-alcohol-and-drug-use-majority-among-men
Miller, J. (2024, June 4). Addiction recovery statistics - treatment success & failure rates. AddictionHelp.com. https://www.addictionhelp.com/recovery/statistics/
WGLT | By, J. V. (2018, January 23). Lieutenant governor hears personal stories of opioid addiction. WGLT. https://www.wglt.org/news/2018-01-23/lieutenant-governor-hears-personal-stories-of-opioid-addiction
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